Can I do anything to help my kids with separation from their mother/father?

At a time when you are most vulnerable and unsure of yourself, you have a most difficult task to accomplish: you have to tell your children that you are separating. You know your children will be hurt, worried, confused and angry, and it's the last thing you want for them but it has to be done, and you want to do it in the way that will create the least pain.

How your children will react to your separation and adjust to it will depend upon several things:

how you cope with the break up and any ongoing relationships
the age and stage of development of the children when you tell them of the separation
the temperament of the children - for instance, whether they tend to be easy-going or are somewhat anxious.

Children can

be surprised or shocked
grieve
feel they are to blame
fantasise that their parents will get back together
feel insecure and fear abandonment
start behaving differently (for example, become clingy or moody, wet the bed, not want to go school)

Children have to deal with a range of changes and adjustments as a result of their parents separating: changes in family lifestyle, rules and discipline. There may also be a lot of other changes e.g. a new house, new school. Invariably a lot of adjustment is required. Although parents are often upset and confused at this time, it is most important to try to understand what your children are going through and to consider their feelings as well.

Separation is a stressful period for children. Their adjustment and recovery is enhanced when parents remain sensitive to their children's needs.

“What about the Children?” is a booklet offers that hints to help you through this difficult time. It covers:

how you can cope with the break up
issues to discuss with the other parent
explaining the separation to the children
what behaviour to expect with different aged children
what you can do to help different aged children
ground rules for parenting successfully after separation
issues of safety
ten mistakes separated/divorced parents make

Order a printed copy of the booklet by clicking this icon

Note: this publication is not available in Queensland.

Having parents separate can be a confusing and painful process for children. Relationships Australia offers a number of services to help you and your children cope better with separation.

Counselling

Counselling can help people who are separating/getting divorced deal with their grief and anger and to let go, so that they can move on with a new sense of purpose and optimism and be in a better position to support their children. Counselling can look at:

how relationships change
how to bear with and manage the grief
what is the real value of anger
what real acceptance is and how it impacts on our lives
discovering a pathway for your separation
learning to be "single"
being able to face moving on to a new and sustaining relationship.

To book a counselling session, phone us on 1300 364 277 or contact the Relationships Australia office nearest you:

Canberra and Region | New South Wales | Northern Territory | Queensland

South Australia | Tasmania | Victoria | Western Australia

Family Dispute Resolution

Family dispute resolution can help you make practical arrangements and decisions in your separation, especially around property settlements and the care of children.

Family Dispute Resolution Services

Separation Courses

If you need support and want to hear what other people do to cope with separation and divorce, a variety of separation courses are available. Some courses concentrate particularly on children, to help them deal with their feelings and experiences when their parents separate.

To find out about the courses that are available in your state or territory, click on the links below. (Note: courses may be listed under the Life and Relationships, Post Separation or Family Skills - Parenting topics).