What do I need to think about if I want to re-partner?

In second marriages and partnerships, couples are often more aware of the difficulties in establishing a successful relationship and are more committed to making it work.

Both second marriages and stepfamilies have to overcome some difficult hurdles.  These hurdles can present significant challenges to the couple in their relationship as partners and as parents.

This page outlines some of the challenges and complications of re-marriage, re-partnering and stepfamilies.

If you are thinking about whether to re-marry or re-partner, consider these three questions:

When?

The simple answer is when you have come to terms with the end of your previous relationship. This is particularly important if you did not want the first marriage or partnership to end, and had to deal with the pain of leaving or being left by your previous partner. It takes longer than many people expect to get over the end of a long term relationship, even if you might have been unhappy and felt that the end was inevitable.

Some studies suggest many people take at least two years to adjust to the end of a long term relationship. There are many exceptions to this. Some people take longer, others adjust more rapidly. Ask yourself:

• Do I find myself thinking about my ex-partner and do these thoughts still arouse strong feelings, including feelings of anger and resentment?
• Have I adjusted to living alone again?
• Have I regained a sense of self-confidence?
• Can I look back on that relationship and recognise some of the things that contributed to its breakdown?

In other words, am I emotionally free to re-partner or re-marry? Can I put all my emotional energy into this new relationship without allowing my feelings about my previous relationship to get in the way?

Just as you cannot re-marry until you are legally free to do so, being emotionally free to re-marry is also important.

Why?

Unfortunately this question is often overlooked. Are you thinking of re-marrying because you want to be with a new partner whom you love or do you want to re-marry for the sake of being married, or to provide a two-parent home for your children? Being alone is not easy after being married, especially if you have children living with you. However, moving too rapidly into a new marriage is no solution in the long-run, particularly if it doesn't work out.

To Whom?

Past experiences influence our choice of partners. This is especially true of a second marriage. Be realistic about what worked and what didn't work in your first marriage when making a decision about a new partner. Learn from that experience to clarify what sort of partner you want.

Being in love is not enough to make a relationship work especially once the initial excitement has worn off.

When you ask yourself these three questions, listen to any doubts that you have and consider talking them over with a counsellor.

Stepfamilies

Almost one-third of marriages involve at least one person who has been married before (Source: Australian Bureau of Statistics (2006), Marriages, Australia.  ABS Catalogue No: 3306.0.55.001 Canberra: Commonwealth of Australia).  These second marriages often involve children from a previous relationship and will therefore form a stepfamily.

Contrary to their 'bad image', stepfamilies can provide a rich and rewarding environment for the adults and children involved.

Some common myths about stepfamilies

Myths and misconceptions exist about stepfamilies. These are based on romantic ideals formed by what we read, hear or see portrayed in the media.

• "People quickly adjust to being part of a stepfamily."

There is no such thing as an instant adjustment. It will take time and effort for everyone to feel comfortable in the new family. Unfortunately some children may never feel comfortable.

• "Loving and caring will develop instantly."

The idea that the new step-parent and step-children will instantly love each other and recognise each other's strengths is unlikely to happen. Love cannot be forced upon each other and the relationship may take time to develop.

• "Working hard prevents the development of the ‘wicked’ step-parent image."

Step-parents come into families and frequently work too hard to make everyone in the household happy, and to avoid being seen as the horrible stepmother or stepfather. Unfortunately, this can create tension rather than harmony.

• "Anything negative that happens is a result of being in a stepfamily."

Frequently children and adults blame their problems on the fact that they are living in a stepfamily. All families have difficulties, not just stepfamilies.

• "Stepfamilies are the same as first-time-round families."

The expectation for the new family to appear like a first-time-round family with two natural parents and their children living in one household together, can cause pain for everyone. It leads to a denial of the existence of other parents and relatives. It is important to accept that the stepfamily will never be the same as the first-time-round family and to see the benefits of being in a stepfamily.