Achieving Greater Intimacy
Intimacy doesn't happen by magic. It is built it up over time.
Some couples find it difficult to achieve intimacy in their relationship. Others can find that after achieving intimacy it seems to slip away. There are many reasons for such difficulties, and each couple's story is unique. There are, however, some common themes.
Lack of communication
One partner or sometimes both simply don't know how to put into words what they feel.
Unresolved emotional differences
These can put a very firm brake on the development of intimacy in a relationship. Anger, hurt or resentment, along with a lack of trust or a sense of being unappreciated, are examples.
Practical difficulties
These can reduce the level of intimacy in some relationships at different times. Examples might be money worries, pressures at work, concern about children, or just being too busy to really connect with each other.
Childhood experiences
These are at the root of some people's difficulty in establishing intimacy. A person who has experienced a great deal of hurt as a child will often find it hard as an adult to trust their partner, however much they may be in love.
Some helpful steps towards greater intimacy:
- Be positive about what you have in your relationship and let your partner know what you value about him/her and about the relationship. Put it into words and don't assume they already know. Everybody likes to be told that they are appreciated and loved.
- Create opportunities for intimacy. Make times when you can be alone together in a situation where you can focus on each other and on your relationship. The harder it is to do this because of the children, work or other commitments, the more important it is that you do it! Try to plan a regular evening, day or weekend for the two of you to be alone.
- Practise making "I" statements about how you feel. This avoids putting your partner on the spot, and may help him or her do the same. For example "I feel hurt you didn't ask me before you decided" instead of "Why didn't you ask me first?"
- After an argument, look at the deeper feeling behind the anger: hurt, anxiety, or sense of being let down. Talk to your partner about these feelings.
How Relationships Australia can help you
Achieving intimacy is not always easy, and sometimes help is needed. If you feel your relationship has changed and you are concerned, consider
- Courses or workshops. In Relationships Australia run courses, couples are not expected to share personal details with other participants. Couples do not have to be married to attend; and there are courses are for couples of all ages. There are also courses available for gay and lesbian couples in some locations, although gay and lesbian couples are welcome at any couples course.
- Counselling. Counselling can be valuable if the issues are too complex, or the feelings too painful or confusing, for talking together to be successful.
A relationships counsellor acts as an independent and non-judgemental guide to help the couple talk things through.