Acknowledging anger and acting on our anger

A verbal attack on your partner when you are angry is unhelpful, as is trying to score points by pointing out past failures.

When conflict arises the following steps may be useful:

• Admit that you are angry or acknowledge that your partner is angry. Try using "I" statements such as, “I feel angry and let down that you are so late for dinner and didn’t call me” rather than “You make me angry because you’re always late.” Or, “I can see that you are angry, so let’s try to talk about it calmly.”
• Admitting your anger lets your partner know how you are feeling. It helps to get problems into the open so that both partners can do something about them.
• Ask for "time out" and encourage your partner to do the same. This is essential if either you or your partner feels too angry to talk about the problem - "I'm too angry now; let's talk about it later".
  Ask for time out if you need it, but time out shouldn’t be used to avoid issues. It is important that you come back later and try to sort things out.
• Explore your feelings and encourage your partner to do the same.There is nearly always another feeling underneath  anger like sadness, hurt, disappointment, or a sense of being let down or taken for granted. Let your partner know how you feel. The underlying feeling will usually be a clue to the real issue that you and your partner need to face up to and talk about. For example, you may say that you’re angry with your partner for spending so much time with his/her friends, but underneath you feel hurt and want him/her to spend more time with you.
• Listen to your partner's point of view. There may be an angle on the situation that you haven't considered. Be prepared to make changes.
• Be prepared to acknowledge your part in the problem. Saying sorry does not mean that you are accepting all the responsibility.
• Ask what can be learnt from the conflict. This will improve your relationship and lessen the chances of a similar conflict happening again.
• Be prepared to forgive or apologise and make up. Do this when you are ready, but it's best not to make your partner wait as a punishment. A row between two people who love each other is like a short separation. Reunion after separation can lead to a deepening of closeness and intimacy in the relationship.

Physical violence in intimate and family relationships is a serious criminal offence and is never acceptable as a response to conflict or provocation.